THE RANT

There are few things in this world that get me really riled up. I tend to be fairly calm and composed about most things. I get excited when I hear a beautiful note sung perfectly, and when I do so. I get excited when I find the perfect modest dress or a gorgeous pair of shoes. I go crazy when there is nothing in my ears but the sound of a ticking clock. Yes, ticking clocks bother me. I can't really stand them at all. I love the look of them, but the sound drives me mad. But readers, I didn't come here today to talk about music or clothing or ticking clocks! I am here today to talk to you about one thing that does get me quite riled up. That drives crazy. More than a ticking clock. Something that, when encountered, can nearly ruin my day. That thing, or rather " those things," ladies and gentlemen, are... Pockets. You heard me. Pockets. You gentlemen, can stop reading now if you'd like, because you will not understand my plight.

There comes a time in a girl's life when she realizes that her pockets aren't deep enough. That they are not even close to the deepness of a boy's pocket. She realizes that she doesn't want to carry around a purse all the time. She wants her wallet to be accessible most of the time, but with her pocket situation, she is forced to carry a purse. Males just stick their wallets in one of their pockets (yes, there are multiple pockets to choose from), females have to carry a purse or bag of some sort if they want their possessions nearby. You men are thinking, "She's just exaggerating. She's being overly dramatic about a stupid subject." No. You ask any girl with an interest in clothing, which is a great number of us, and chances are she will have some feelings about the matter.

I think the first time I encountered or realized this problem was in junior high. I had a pair of jeans from Smith's Marketplace and my hand didn't fit all the way in the pocket. My fingers made it all the way in, but not the body of my hand. What was this?! Pockets are for hands a lot of the time and all of a sudden my hands don't fit in my pockets. And this was not the fault of my hands. But the pockets themselves. I thought, "It must be because they're cheap pants from Smith's Marketplace." Not the case. These pants with insufficient pockets are everywhere. But, my friends, there are worse things than small pockets. These things are much, much worse. It is unbelievable. I want to hurt someone every time I come across them. Those things are... Fake pockets.

FAKE POCKETS?!!!!!! WHAT?! Whose idea was this?! WHO? Why? Where? For what use? I'd like to give that person a piece of my mind. Maybe, wherever he is (I'm assuming it is a male...), he is reading this, thinking, "Why did I do that? Why did I do this terrible thing to women?" And women all over the world (because THAT many people are reading this...) are thinking, "Why, man? Why did you do this to us?" And that man, whoever he is, is feeling guilty. Very guilty. And he will call all the major designers of the world and apologize for his awful mistake, and ask them all to fix it. "Give the women pockets!" He will yell into the receiver. "Do it now!" My imagination is running away with me. There's no way that man will read this... I think...

But really, it's not a matter of brand quality or anything like that. As I originally thought, "It's just because they're cheap pants." No. I, true to form, was thrifting one day and found this great pair of J. Crew trousers. I'm into "prep" fashion, so I was naturally excited. They fit great, they looked great. I bought them. I wore them a few days later and stuck my hand in the pockets. NOPE. Not pockets. Fake pockets! Again, I ask, "WHY?!" But this was worse than the cheap pants, these were J. Crew. A quality company that I assumed would be reasonable and put pockets in their expensive pants (not that I paid full price for them...) Really, J. Crew? Fake pockets? I thought you were better than that. And that's not even the worst part. Most pants with fake pockets will have real back pockets, it's not the most desirable, we don't like sitting on our belonging, but it's better than nothing. But no, J. Crew got really lazy and made the back pockets fake too! And they had the nice little button and everything. Why put a button on a fake pocket? What's the point of making the effort to make it look like there are pockets and then being like, "Psych! You don't get real pockets. Oh, no, no you don't!" They easily could have just made it a real pocket. All that effort and it's not even real. I just don't understand. I was disappointed, J. Crew. And I never want to be disappointed with J. Crew. I want to love them forever and ever.

You know what else is terrible? The other day I tried on two pairs of jeans at Target. One of my favorite places to buy clothes. Both pairs fit about the same, but I was forced to pick based on the pockets. And you know what is sad? My choices were: fake pockets or two inch deep pockets. Sad. So sad. I got the ones with two inch pockets obviously, but I'd rather have seven inch pockets. Another sad fact about this experience, I was buying new jeans to replace my old ones that DID have deep pockets! Sad. So sad. Disappointed, Target. But! Now I have to thank Target! You women know that moment when you put on your new pair of pants and put your hands in the pockets and they appear to be fake, but you examine the falseness and discover that the pockets are just stitched. Then you happily unstitch them and it's like you and the designer have worked together to give you pockets for your birthday. It really does feel like your birthday once you've unstitched that loose stitch. And then every time you wear those pants, you get excited, because what once appeared to be a disaster, became the best moment of that day.

Another thanks goes out to all those skirt and dress makers out there that put pockets in their dresses. Women are forever in your debt! We love you! If you put fake pockets in our dresses, we hate you. But if you make those real, we'll love you for always! And guess what, we'll keep buying your products! Because we love you. When we don't have pockets in our dresses, we get sick of handing our phones and keys to our dads to put in their suit pant pockets. So, by all means, continue to put pockets in our dresses. And if you're one of those guys that doesn't put pockets in our dresses, start. Please. I know this great company that has some customizing options for their dresses and one of them is "remove pockets." Why the heck would I WANT to remove pockets from something that comes with pockets?! Are you stupid? That's a stupid option. And FYI, I totally and completely plan on having pockets added to my wedding dress someday. So take that! Side note to men: if you want to get on a woman's good side, buy her a dress or skirt with pockets in it. She will probably love you forever. She’s probably love you just as much if you get her some sweats with pockets too.

I've always said that if I ever have a clothing store or design clothes, I will put nice big pockets in every piece of women's clothing and no pockets in all the men's stuff, and see what happens. Just for fun. I'll give the men fake pockets! See how they feel about that. They'll go from their cargo shorts (not the best choice, men) with twelve pockets and then they will get none! I'm sorry men, I don't hate you, I promise, I'm just going on a rant right now.

To sum it all up, women like having pockets. I love having pockets! Pockets are great. Take our pockets away and we will be angry and go on 1440 word rants for our College Composition course.